


When I grow up

by invisiblehabits



Category: Alice Nine, Jrock
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-11
Updated: 2010-03-11
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4408295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisiblehabits/pseuds/invisiblehabits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not easy growing up, especially not when no one else notices that you do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I grow up

**Author's Note:**

> More proof of what an excellent student I was five years ago. Apparently I posted this WHILE in class. I may start to see why I never finished that BA...

It’s the easiest thing in the world, losing track of yourself. And it’s the hardest thing imaginable to accept. You feel like a failure, because if you don’t know who you are then how will anyone else? But the world goes on, the people around you go on and most of the time they never notice your inner turmoil. On the outside Hiroto was all smiles and happy cuteness, because that was how he had always been, but on the inside he was all confusion. He was the youngest member of Alice Nine, the cute baby of the band whom everyone squealed over. It was who he was, according to everyone else; it was his role. But he was growing up, on the inside and in his head, and sometimes he wondered if anyone else noticed it at all.

“You coming, Pon?”  
“Yep, just a minute!”

Packing the guitar he’d been trying to tune, and probably failed miserable to due to distraction, he bent down to tie his shoes. Shou was always so nice and considerate, making sure he tagged along and wasn’t left behind. He treated him like a little brother. Well off stage at least. On stage Hiroto was definitely one of the boys; they touched and kissed him like they did each other, and the fans loved him for the fanservice he handed out. Hiroto liked it too, on stage he felt a lot more grownup than he did backstage. Than he did right now. 

Standing up he came face to face with Saga. The bassist looked down at him and smiled, that typical Saga smile that drove the audience wild and made every girl weak in the knees. No one would ever dream of referring to Saga as a baby, he was so obviously strong, grownup and sexy. When you were constantly babied and pat on the head like a goddamn puppy it was easy to get jealous of such qualities. 

“I’m done, I’m done.”   
“Calm down, Pon. I forgot my jacket.” 

Reaching beyond Hiroto Saga grabbed his leather jacket and slung it over his shoulders carelessly, as if to prove his point. The younger man blushed slightly, perhaps embarrassed to have assumed the bassist was there on his behalf. Saga just smiled and held the door open, allowing Hiroto to walk out first. Together they made their way down to the others. Today’s rehearsal had been far from ideal, and Hiroto knew it was mainly because of him, but they’d already decided to go out for dinner beforehand and everybody stuck to the idea. They were friends, and it sure beat eating alone at their separate homes. 

\- - -

Hours later Hiroto was getting ready for bed when someone knocked on the door. Quite confusing since it was past midnight and just a little bit annoying considering they had scheduled another band practice tomorrow to make up for today’s slips. The upcoming tour demanded perfection, or perhaps that was Nao… Truth be told they were all slight perfectionists, they all wanted to be beyond good and bring it all to the fans every time they went on stage. In order to do so they needed to practice, and if Hiroto was going to do better tomorrow he needed to sleep properly tonight. 

At first he thought to ignore it altogether, but it was rather irritating to try and brush your teeth with someone repeatedly knocking on your door. It wasn’t urgently, not even insistently, just repeatedly. Not bothering who was at the other side or how big a fool he made of himself, Hiroto tore the door open. Unknowingly he made a quite adorably sight, what with his hair all over the place and the toothbrush sticking out between pouty lips. There was a little bit of nearly dried lather at the corner of his mouth and Saga reached out to wipe it off. Then he stepped inside the now open door and hung his jacket on the hanger. 

Hiroto just stared as he made his way across the hallway and into the living room. Saga was amazed the younger man hadn’t asked what he was doing there, the question would’ve been the first thing to cross his lips had the tables been turned. Then again, nothing had slipped past Hiroto’s lips yet. Which, in itself, was a miracle of great proportions. Sock clad feet trod behind him so soft it could’ve been inaudible. But Saga knew it happened, thus he heard it. It didn’t really matter if the sound was only in his head, not when the action carried out was real, did it? 

“What are you doing here?"  
Ah, there it was; the gurgled question he’d been waiting for.   
“Nothing.” 

The answer made no sense whatsoever, but then things rarely did with Saga. Hiroto rolled his eyes and disappeared into the bathroom, determined to rinse his mouth so he at least could talk properly. He had no idea whom he had expected to be on the other side of the door as he opened it, but Saga was probably the very last one. It just…didn’t make sense. Sure, they were friends and everything, but they had no business showing up outside each other’s door in the middle of the night. Past the middle of the night, if you were picky enough to consider midnight the middle of the night. 

Since he was already in the bathroom he bent down and splashed some water on his face as well, the last thing to do before going to bed in his evening routine. He didn’t care if he kept Saga waiting, the darn bassist hadn’t even given him a reason for showing up this late so he could do whatever he pleased.

Apparently that included walking around the apartment looking at photos and books, because that was what Hiroto found him doing once he returned to the living room. With anyone else it probably would’ve looked awkward, a time filler when there was nothing better to do, but when it was Saga it just looked normal. He had such a grace, though Hiroto wasn’t sure ‘grace’ was just the right word for it. Saga just had something and it bugged him that he couldn't have the same thing. 

Not that he wanted to be like Saga. The bassist was the only member of the band he couldn’t quite figure out, not even after all their years together as a band. Even Tora, despite his brooding silence, was easier to pinpoint. Perhaps that was what made Saga so intriguing, the fact that you could never tell just why you had to look one more time. There’s always something else to figure out with an enigma, isn’t there? 

“You take a lot of pictures.”   
“Huh? Yeah, I guess I do. I like having faces around, makes me feel less lonely.” 

The bassist hummed something in reply and put down the frame he’d been holding. It was a picture of Aki and himself Hiroto noticed, taken shortly after they’d first met. Sadly they hadn’t hung out a lot lately, both of them being too busy with their separate bands. But Aki’s face decorated quite a lot of the frames around. It was probably the most common one aside from the Alice Nine members.

“Are you lonely right now?”  
“No…”   
“Why not?”  
“You’re here…”   
“So all you need is someone else in the room?”

Hiroto closed his eyes and tiredly rubbed his forehead. This conversation was starting to give him a headache, mostly because it made no sense whatsoever. Physical presence generally counteracted the feeling of loneliness; at the very least it neutralized it since…well, you weren’t alone! He wasn’t one for philosophical ponderings or existential wanderings of the mind, but it wouldn’t be too surprising if Saga was. His best friend was a dog, after all. 

“I was about to go to bed,” he mumbled.  
“Go ahead.”   
“Eh? So what are you going to do, just wander about looking at my photos all night?”   
“Actually, I was thinking of joining you.”

Big eyes grew huge and his head snapped back up to look at Saga. It sounded so casual, like he was merely suggesting they share a cup of tea in the kitchen. ‘I was thinking of joining you.’ Hiroto kept repeating the sentence in his head over and over, trying to come up with a way to interpret it that didn’t make his cheeks blush cherry red. Unfortunately he failed. 

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”   
Lowering his eyes to the floor again he tried to ignore the sound of shoes moving across hardwood floors.  
“It means...”  
A finger underneath his chin forced him to look up and meet seductive eyes.  
“...that I want to fuck you.” 

Before Hiroto had a chance to protest Saga leaned in and captured his lips in a quick kiss. His lips were soft and tasted sweet, but the guitarist was so shocked he automatically took a step back. 

“What the hell, Saga?!”  
“Don’t like it?”  
He took a step forward, invading personal space once more and that look was still in his eyes.   
“I know you like, men...” 

Hiroto found himself slightly drowning in the eyes looking down at him. Saga was a couple inches taller than him and to that he was a fan of boots with heels. Right now he was probably standing about six inches taller than the guitarist, and he was using the advantage!

Placing slender fingers, slightly calloused from years of playing strings, around a thin neck he pulled the younger even closer. The look in his eyes was hot and hungry, not to mention how the smile on his lips dripped of confidence. But unlike Tora, Hiroto had watched both of them seduce people left and right at the pub, there was no danger in Saga’s aura. He didn’t need to be dangerous; he was oozing out enough sexuality to sweep anyone off their feet. Apparently, Hiroto wasn’t an exception. 

“I-I-I...” he stuttered. “Thi-this is a bad idea, Saga.”   
“Says who?”  
“Logic! We’re in a band together; this is just...just stupid!”   
He was frantically trying to hold on to that thought, despite the eyes and fingers telling him to just give in.  
“Would you listen to yourself for once; don’t think, feel!” 

And those lips were back on his. And Hiroto gave in. Saga was just too good a kisser, too insistent in the way his lips pulled at Hiroto’s own and made him want to part them to see what the bassist could do with his tongue. So he did just that, feeling the other smile slightly against his lips before pushing his tongue into Hiroto’s mouth.

It was a slow and intense kiss. Saga’s hand gently massaged his neck before moving upwards to do the same with his scalp. The guitarist’s own hands finally came to life and found a hold on the other’s upper arms, stabilizing himself as he stood up on his tiptoes a little to further indulge in the kiss. He might be the younger one, he was definitely the less experienced, but that didn’t mean he was about to be completely out dominated. After all, he was trying to grow up, was he not? 

Saga wrapped his free arm around the smaller body, pulling him closer in a display of appreciation for the action. It was a lot easier to interpret what the bassist did and wanted now than when he spoke or just acted all silently. Hiroto found he liked this side of Saga a lot better. 

“So,” the bassist said as they finally pulled apart. “I take it I do get to stay.” 

It wasn’t even a question, not that it had ever been. When Saga wanted someone he made damn sure he got that person, be it a man or a woman. Or a band mate, as of tonight. A part of Hiroto still thought it was a bad idea, things could get really complicated if you started interacting within the band. Emotions were fleeting, and they were also individual. Tonight could spark things within one of them, most likely himself, whereas the other thought of it as a onetime thing. 

“You’ve made sure of that, haven’t you?”   
There, he’d admitted it; admitted that Saga had gotten to him.  
“So...”   
It seemed to be one of the bassist’s favourite words. His thumb started stroking circles on Hiroto’s cheek.   
“Where do we sleep?”   
Hiroto rolled his eyes and gave the other a light shove as he released his arms.   
“I should make you sleep on the couch.”   
Saga smirked. Or perhaps he smiled; it was that Saga-smile again.  
“But that would be no fun, would it?”

The younger blushed lightly again and turned on his heels, walking briskly towards the bedroom. He knew Saga would follow and he was proved correct as footsteps once more echoed across the floorboards. Once he reached the bedroom he stopped in the middle of the floor, at a loss for what to do next. It wasn’t like he was a virgin or anything; he too had picked people up and brought them home, both men and women. But that was just it, when people were in his bedroom it was because he’d picked them up with the intention of bringing them there. He wasn’t used to people showing up outside his door in the middle of the night inviting themselves in for a fuck.

He heard the door close behind Saga and then the steps approached him once more. Arms snuck around his middle and pulled him back against a slender chest. In the band, Saga was probably the skinniest of them all. Shou could rival him for the title, but right now Hiroto would say the bassist took the victory. Then again, he’d never been this intimately pushed up against their vocalist. 

Lips started kissing his neck and he tilted his head to the side to give more access. It felt good, really fucking good, and he could not deny that his body was reacting whether his mind was in it or not. Don’t think, feel. The hands around his waist went lower and snuck beneath the hem of his oversized t-shirt, softly caressing his belly. He sighed contently. Don’t think, feel!

Turning around in the hold Hiroto wrapped his arms around the bassist’s back to pull him closer. Saga willingly leaned down to meet the kiss he offered, lips moulding together again as tongues caressed and teeth nipped. The pace was slow and comfortable, as if Saga was afraid that too hasty movements would scare the other off. He might not be entirely wrong about it either. But for now Hiroto was good, he felt good and he wouldn’t mind to feel more of those caresses the other had started up earlier. 

It almost seemed like Saga had read his mind, or perhaps it was the way he pressed closer to the other’s body, because he allowed his calloused fingertips to once more sneak past cloth and onto skin. Careful lazy patterns were drawn on the small of a back and then further up, dragging the shirt with them until it came off altogether. They had to break the kiss in order to get it off, naturally, but Hiroto immediately dove back in to reclaim those lips and began to unbutton Saga’s shirt. 

“Off,” he muttered impatiently and nearly ripped the last few buttons off instead. But Saga chuckled against his lips and finished the job, always patient and methodical in everything he did. Then skin could press up against skin and it was nice warm friction between their bodies. Hiroto sighed and let his fingers wander, tried to feel up every last bit of the other because he had no idea if he would ever get the chance to do so again. 

Saga let his thumbs flicker over nipples and Hiroto moaned slightly, giving in to the pressure slowly pushing him towards the queen sized bed in the middle of the room. The bed had come with the apartment, a gift from the last owner who no longer needed it and it was so gorgeous he’d decided to keep it despite feeling it might be a bit too big for him. But every time he did bring someone home he was very glad it was the size it was, because very few were as small as he was. 

He was carefully pushed down on the bedside, allowed to actually sit down on the edge of it before being pushed down into a lying position. Saga never let their eye contact break as he slowly removed his boots before climbing on to the bed and looming over the smaller frame. He didn’t move, just remained there with his weight rested on his arms and waited for Hiroto to do something. 

The younger finally complied by spreading his legs to make room and wrapping his arms around that lean neck once more. “Too late to back out now,” he mumbled as he pulled the older down for a heated kiss. 

He could feel Saga smile against his lips and he allowed his body to sink down onto Hiroto’s own, nice and heavy between the guitarist’s legs. There he rolled his hips slightly and Hiroto moaned all over again. He felt very vocal and was beginning to feel embarrassed about being the only one to make noises, but then Saga was not much for sounds on any occasion. 

The kiss was more intense than before, as if even Saga’s patience was growing thinner, and the bassist soon let go of his lips. Instead he moved on to Hiroto’s neck, licking and nipping slightly. The younger was slightly annoyed of the teasing, wanted more friction and rougher treatment, but then he realised that tomorrow was a photo shoot and something told him Saga was purposefully not leaving permanent marks. 

“How do you do it?” he groaned and wrapped his fingers in reddish brown curls. 

“Do what?” Saga asked, the words muffled against Hiroto’s chest and he worked his way down to a nipple. 

Hiroto gasped as lips wrapped around the sensitive bud, tongue and teeth teasing it further and shooting spikes of pleasure straight to his groin. “How do you stay-“ he swallowed, “so collected….at all times.”

He could actually feel the other shrug awkwardly despite their position. “Don’t know,” Saga admitted as he switched over to the other nipple. “It’s a gift.” 

And a curse to everyone else, Hiroto wanted to say but the words got stuck in his throat as fingers began to work on getting his sweatpants off. More or less unconsciously he lifted his hips to ease the action and soon he found himself naked beneath a very appreciative looking bassist. Saga sat back up on his knees and for a second merely looked at the other, then he made quick business of his own jeans. 

Hiroto’s cock twitched as he realised Saga didn’t bother with underwear, all kinds of thoughts as to whether this was standard behaviour or just for tonight filtering through his mind. He licked his lips and wiggled slightly, tried to find the most comfortable position as Saga reached for the nightstand. Apparently he just assumed, albeit correctly, that that was where a gay man would keep his lube. The guitarist spread his legs a little wider and waited for the prepping fingers, but they never came. 

Instead Saga leaned down and swallowed his cock down to the base in one go. Hiroto was used to sucking cock, it was a favour no lover had failed to ask of him because of how pouty his lips were, but it wasn’t all that often he got the favour returned. That, however, did not mean he didn’t enjoy the feeling of a relaxed throat welcoming every inch of him and a hot tongue massaging his length. 

“Sa-Saga!” he choked out, bucking his hips up appreciatively. 

The bassist didn’t even try to restrict his movement, he merely kept his head still until the hips ceased moving before he began to bob up and down the length. Hollowing his cheeks he sucked powerfully, distracting Hiroto from anything else that went on in the room. The small guitarist merely leaned back and enjoyed the ride, wrapping fingers in reddish brown locks and moaning at the awesome feeling. 

When Saga pulled back he all but whimpered at the loss, hardly even aware of how the bassist crawled up his body to straddle his hips once more. Their lips crashed together again, hotter and more intense than ever, and Hiroto could taste himself on Saga’s tongue. It was surprisingly arousing, though perhaps that shouldn’t have been a surprise considering how many times he’d been in the bassist’s position. 

Then, before he knew what was happening, Saga was gripping his cock and slowly sinking down on it, entrance stretched and slick with lube. The younger tore his lips away and groaned at the feeling, slowly realising that Saga must’ve prepped himself while sucking him. It was the last thing in the world he would’ve expected and even as his hips bucked up against the heat he gave a surprised yelp and tried to hold the bassist still. 

“F-fuck, what the hell is this Saga?”   
“You’re fucking me.”  
Even the otherwise so composed bassist sounded slightly out of order saying that, finally a reaction shining through his mask.   
“Have you ever fucked anyone, Pon?” 

His already dark eyes were positively black as they looked down on the guitarist. There wasn’t much the smaller man could do other than shake his head. He was a designated bottom; with his age and his small frame, people never considered him man enough to top them. But Saga merely chuckled and rolled his hips, drawing another shaky groan from Hiroto. 

“You like it?” he asked deviously. 

It was hard not to like the extreme tightness of Saga’s ass, the heat that clamped down around every inch of his cock and the friction brought on by even the slightest movement. It was, quite simply, unlike anything he’d ever felt before and it was good! His grip on the bassist’s slim hips was positively bruising and for a split second he worried about someone seeing the marks, but then; who would believe them if they told this tale, huh? 

“Nngh.” So not what he’d meant to say.   
“I take it that’s a yes,” Saga breathed. 

And then he started moving, lifting his hips and rolling them back down deliciously. It was slow, deliberate, calculated. For a moment Hiroto’s eyes rolled back in his head, but the first moan slipping past the bassist lips had them snapping back into focus. If there ever had been a more erotic sight than that of Saga sitting atop him, the dark hair starting to stick to his forehead slightly and body glossing over in a sheen cover of sweat, with his head leaned back and mouth opened as he rode the smaller man, then Hiroto wasn’t sure what it would be. Saga was gorgeous, every inch of him was sheer perfection, and the sight of him just then was one the guitarist would carry with him for a long time. 

Finally his body snapped into action, hips bucking up slightly to meet the next downward thrust and he revelled in the gasp it drove from the other. 

“Fuck yes,” Saga moaned breathily, a sound so thoroughly sexual it was hard to grasp. “Keep doing that, Pon. Fuck it feels good…” 

The only downside of it all was how quick it would all be over. Hiroto, being new to the sensation, could already feel his climax coming up fast and he did his best to give something back to the bassist. Holding on to those hips he thrust up once, twice, thrice, as long as he could. Saga met him every time, gasps and moans spilling from his lips until suddenly he stilled for a second and a rapturous cry filled the room. 

Hiroto knew exactly where that cry came from, the pure bliss it was to have that spot hit dead on, and so he aimed his few final thrusts at that exact area. Saga slumped forward slightly, their eyes locking and that was what sent the younger over the edge. He came with the bassist’s name spilling from his lips, back arching off the bed as Saga never ceased his movements. As an almost second thought Hiroto wrapped his fingers around the other’s length, touching him properly for the first time, and soon Saga too fell into ecstasy. 

Afterwards they lay next to each other, Hiroto trying desperately to catch his breath and sanity alike. He still wasn’t sure if this had really taken place or if it was some weirdly realistic dream of him. But Saga’s naked form next to him, the not quite steady breathing and the semen coating his own stomach all spoke in favour of reality. 

“Why did you come here, Saga?”  
“I wanted this.”   
“Why?”  
“Why not?”   
“Oh fuck you.”   
“Give me a minute more, I don’t have your youthful stamina.” 

A liberating giggled spilled over Hiroto’s lips and he couldn’t help but curl up next to Saga as the other joined him in the act of laughing. 

\- - -

Saga was still there when he woke up the next morning. They shared a shower, last night repeating itself in much the same manner only with the bassist leaned somewhat awkwardly against a tiled wall to give the shorter access. Hiroto also got the chance to show off his own oral skills to bring a closer to it all, something Saga didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. 

As they got dressed later on Hiroto was painfully aware of how the bassist indeed planned on going commando all day. 

“Underwear is overrated.”   
The guitarist snorted.   
“If you say so.”   
“I do.”   
“So you’ll just get going like that?”  
“I put on fresh clothes before coming here yesterday, figured I’d be going straight to the studio.” 

He looked so smug Hiroto had to slap the back of his head, earning himself an annoyed glare as the vain man quickly checked his looks in the mirror. Things were getting back to normal, but they would never be the same. Hiroto had experienced something completely new and he was determined to not go back to where he’d come from, not entirely. He’d still enjoy bottoming, there were too many advantages of being fucked to give it up entirely, but he knew for a fact that he wanted more topping out of his sexual encounters in the future. 

“You ready, Pon?”   
“What about breakfast?”   
“Another thing overrated.”   
“Hm, guess that explains your skinny nature.”   
“You sure didn’t seem to care last night.”   
“Or this morning.” 

Saga grinned again and pulled the younger closer, giving him a final kiss before they got their coats and headed over to the studio for another day of practice. At the end of the day everyone agreed that whatever Hiroto had done to catch his wandering thoughts from yesterday, it had been darn successful. 

\- - -

The weeks went by fast and before they knew it they had released another single, Rainbows. If Hiroto was allowed to say so it was one of their best so far. Still, with a release came a lot of work; interviews, shooting the PV, photo shoots. He was looking himself over in the mirror, the same kind of nervousness he always felt before going up in front of the camera. It was stupid really, he could be on stage live in front of thousands of people without blinking an eye but a simple photo shoot had his nerves tingling in the most uncomfortable manner. 

“One minute, guys!” 

Hiroto took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before walking towards the designated area. Arms wrapped around him from behind and familiar lips pressed against his ear, whispering hotly in a way that had his skin tingling in the most enjoyable manner. 

“Remember, Pon, you’ve fucked Saga-sama.”

The arms released him and Saga, dressed for success and dolled up to even more perfection, walked past him. Throwing a look over his shoulder he winked at the younger and Hiroto suddenly felt a whole new confidence fill his insides. 

\- - -

At the end of the day they all gathered at a pub, makeup and fame washed away to leave only ordinary men behind. Drinks ordered and some already enjoyed they all kicked back and relaxed, feeling very satisfied with the day. 

“Honestly Pon, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the shots today!”   
It was Shou who first brought up the subject, earning eager nods from the two other unknowing members.   
“Yeah, you looked great!” Nao filled in. 

Hiroto merely smiled and took another drink from his beer, feeling more than satisfied with the pictures himself. He’d done as Saga had said, he’d remembered that night and the following morning; how different he’d felt and how determined he’d been to become that person. Now the entire world, or at least their fanbase, could see it for themselves. 

“I never thought the day would come when you’d be the sexy one,” Shou continued. “But damn, you’ll really give us a run for our money now.”   
“I guess we all failed to see you were growing up,” Tora said and lit up a cigarette.   
“You did,” Saga agreed.   
“And you mean to say you saw it coming?” Shou sounded disbelieving.   
“I did.”  
“He did,” Hiroto defended the other. “He did.”   
The two shared a secretive look.  
“Did I miss something here?” Nao wanted to know.   
“Nope,” Hiroto said innocently.   
“Why?” Saga questioned, not quite as innocently. 

Their three band members looked far from convinced, very familiar with Saga’s history and no longer certain where Hiroto stood in anything. Hiroto felt like he was on top of the world. Let them wonder, let them twist and turn the ideas around in their minds; it wasn’t like they’d figure the full truth out on their own. And he sure wasn’t about to tell them. But, if he could, he was definitely bringing Saga home with him tonight. The bassist didn’t look all too opposed to the idea, what with the little grin he sent the younger over the brim of his glass. Hiroto hid his own in the glass and took a long drink to allow the others to divert their attention before leaning closer to the bassist. 

"You're leaving your boots at the door tonight," he said lowly. "It's very impolite to wander into someone's home with your shoes on you know." 

Saga just smiled in reply and Hiroto leaned back into his seat before anyone else could question what they were talking about. In the end growing up was a hella lot of fun!


End file.
